11

Kindra brushed a loose hair out of her face as she sat. It could take her a while to adjust her thoughts before she went home. She hugged her knees and looked out the window.

A flight attendant at the terminal near her got a message on her radio. Kindra only heard part of the garbled message – "There's been a death – it was Sile" before the attendant looked upset and rushed off. Kindra didn't stop to worry about what was said – instead, she paid special attention to the now unattended opening to a plane that would be leaving the ground soon. She stood up and walked on at the perfect time. Other people were still putting their bags down and getting settled in her seats, so she simply looked like a latecomer. "Welcome, we hope you enjoy your flight," the captain said.

The flight attendants gave their usual speech about emergency exits and oxygen masks.  Kindra took her phone out of her pocket, noticed a missed call and voicemail from _______, and then turned it off. Everyone fastened their seat belts. The plane slowly positioned itself on the runway. There were so many thoughts rushing around in Kindra's brain, it became white-noise. Like she wasn't thinking at all. She stared out the window at the pink sunset washing over the town.

10

Kindra sat on the bus in a seat next to a man with a very large beard. He smelled. She got the window seat, which was good, because it was the opportunity for her to ignore him. Who knows what smells would have come out had he opened his mouth.

She didn’t get a chance to ride in things very much. Her town was so small that there was no need. She tried to watch the landscape out the window, but once the bus made it out to the freeway things were passing so fast that she focused on the ground instead. It was hypnotizing how the different spots on the pavement became like TV static.

When she arrived at the airport, she walked up to the counter to buy a ticket but realized she had forgotten her wallet. All she had in her pockets were her phone and her cigarettes. Her heart sank. She thought she was really getting out of town.
She went and sat on a bench near terminal 3 – one of the ones she could sit on without going through security. Even if she couldn't leave, she wasn't ready to go back yet. 

9

Kindra and Andy went to get waffles for breakfast, same as every day. The usual. Andy actually got all the way dressed today, and his he slept on his hair the night before in a way where it looked normal. Andy would probably be the only kid in the daycare who started out the week looking decent.

          Since her odd observation of Pink at 6:30 in the morning, Kindra had hardly been able to keep herself together. She wasn't knowingly losing it, just subconsciously breaking down. She even smoked a couple of cigarettes in the apartment. It was a long sunday.

          After dropping Andy off at St. Benedict's for his morning daycare, Kindra gave _______ a call. It went to voicemail, just as she hoped.

          "Hey, it's Kindra. I just dropped Andy off at daycare. I really need to go run an errand today. I won't be able to pick Andy up at 2. I'll pick him up on friday if you pick him up today. Kay, thanks, I know you're busy, but I'm going to take care of my business. I appreciate the help."

          Kindra walked down Brownstone Blvd. in a hurry, lighting up a cigarette as she walked. Her pace slowed down once she could take a drag. She tied her hair up in a ponytail, suddenly becoming aware of her appearance. On weekdays like today she generally just stayed in her t-shirt that she slept in the night before and slipped on her dirty jeans. The ponytail would help. Kindra circled behind Castle Apartments and made her way to the bus stop.

          To her surprise, there was a girl there that she recognized. It was the chick that Andy had talked to when they saw the occupiers at the park. Kindra was curious about her. She had never really observed her to figure out what about her was so appealing to Andy. The girl must have noticed her, because she looked over. Kindra smiled to ease the awkwardness of getting caught looking. The girl smiled back.

          "Hi, I'm Spring," the girl said.

          "I'm Kindra," Kindra said, her somewhat rough voice a stark contrast to Spring's peppy one. Kindra sat down on the bench.

          "So, where are you riding to?" Spring asked.

          "Uhm, I haven't quite decided yet. I think I was just planning on getting out of here for a while. I’ll would decide later. I was tempted to go to the airport. Hey, do you know any cities around here that are different –"

          "Wait! I knew I recognized you! You’re that kid Andy's mom. He's a cutie! He talked to me at the park! At least, I assumed you were his mom, ‘cause otherwise it'd be awkward...."

          "Oh. Yeah. I'm his mom. I was saying, do you know any cities around here that I could fly to cheap? That aren't like this place? You know?"

          "Yeah yeah, you should try... uhm... actually, I'm not really sure. I don't get out of here much."

          "Oh okay. Well thanks," Kindra said, turning away to cut off the conversation. 

       

8

         Kindra sat up in her bed. Andy lay next to her, dead asleep, sprawled all out with his guard down. It was pretty early in the morning. Kindra wanted a cigarette – that was why she was up, but she was also up thinking about the mugging the other night. And Andy. And ________. She was getting pretty introspective, which didn't happen that often. Or maybe it was happening constantly. It didn't really matter, because it didn't seem to get her anywhere.

          She stood up, grabbed a pack of cigarettes from on top of the fridge, and walked to her balcony. It's not like it was much of a balcony, just off the second floor, but it was enough to see over people's heads and not look them straight in the face when they walked by. They could easily look up and recognize her, but they could also ignore her at that level.

          There weren't many people out – it was only 6:30. It was an in-between time even for people with early jobs, but it was the perfect time for people stumbling back from Isabella's cafe. Kindra smelled cigarette smoke though she hadn't lit up her own cigarette yet and glanced over to see Pink walking by. He seemed very into his own moment. Pink was one of those tenants who, though he lived on the 12th floor and she lived on the 2nd, she always heard about. Everyone always heard about him – it was because of his late-night habits of throwing things against walls and crying. And the drinking. He seemed careless.

          As Kindra watching him walk and lit up her own cigarette, she thought about how careless he was. He could stay up all the time, throw fits, mourn whatever, drink and be crazy, all in the comfort of his own head and his own problems. He simply did his own business at the expense of the hundreds of others in castle apartments and didn't stop to wonder how he influenced them. She figured she was functioning the same way.

          When someone ran into her the other night and it turned out that someone got mugged, Kindra immediately felt ashamed that she had assumed they were just trying to piss her off. It was one of those things where she was turned into the bad guy. The only reason she didn't turn around and wasn't able to help was because she was obsessing over making sure her night was okay. That made her bad. She could only be the victim if she part of a tragic scene – not one where her own faults got in the way.

          Kindra's own thoughts didn't flow so perfectly in her own head, but somehow or another, she came to the conclusion that she wanted to always assume that there was something for her to do. She didn't want to be caught up in her own selfishness.

          When Kindra glanced back over at Andy, he was awake and looking at her. She took this as a cue that they should go ahead and get breakfast, so she got him dressed and they walked to Casa de Waffles.

          "So, how was your day with your dad yesterday?" Kindra asked.

          "Good," Andy said.

          "What'd you do?" Kindra asked.

          "I went to his work."

          "Did you fly in the airplanes?"

          "No," Andy said, "I flew a toy."

          "Like one out of the gift shop? One of those little planes?"

          "Yeah."

          "Why not go in one of the real planes?"

          "Cause there were too many people there,"he said.

          Right, Kindra realized, the museum was open on Saturdays. It was probably a good thing that Andy couldn't get in the planes anyways. They were meant for show, not riding. Of course _______ wouldn't listen to that if she that.

          "Wanna hear what happened to me?" Kindra asked. Andy was quiet, so she continued talking. She used that voice that adults use when they're talking to kids about something exciting – where they try to sound excited themselves so that the kid will get interested. "I went to a play and then when I got out, there was a bad guy."

          Andy was quiet.

          "He was hurting this other guy. I saw him. But right when I saw him, before I could do anything, the bad guy ran away."

          "He ran too fast for you to catch him?" Andy asked.

          "Yep," Kindra said.

          "...fast as a plane?" Andy said.

7

_____________ had known Kindra since she was a teenager. They had been in a relationship then.  He was her punching bag, but she seemed to have forgotten.

The thing about Kindra was, she was always so involved in her head that she forgot certain things about herself. She didn’t notice. One minute she would like something, and another she wouldn’t. She thought about things in her head, and then forgot that they never came out her mouth, then get frustrated that you didn’t know them. She told him stories a thousand times. She altered what she said – hyperbolized it a little bit – and then every time she told a story it became more and more until the entire premise of the story was false. He would listen every time, and react appropriately. That was probably part of the reason why she never realized that she was lying. Every time she said something, it was a fresh slate for her.

__________ happened to be the only one Kindra would do this too. She was generally quiet with other people – especially in high school. If she talked to everyone the same way she talked to him, somebody would have slapped her by then and maybe she would notice.

People assumed Kindra was one of the most in-control because she dressed simply and had a certain air about her – plus, she was in a “real” relationship in high school. It was pretty big. But _____________  knew that she picked her nose, wore the clothes she did because she was scared to wear anything more interesting, and that she was so forgetful, she might as well have been in a brand new relationship every day.

Both _____________ and Kindra had grown up just a few blocks away from Castle Apartments. He knew this, hated that he had stayed in one place so much, but also accepted it because he knew that people usually ended up living 5 miles away from where they grew up. Kindra, however, had always prided herself on getting out of town.

“__________, I’m scared to stay with you cause you’re a nothing. I hate to have to say it like that. But I’m going somewhere and you’re staying here. You’ll drag me down,” Kindra would say.

“That’s not true,” ________ said, for the thousandth time.

Something in her head must have heard him when he said “That’s not true” to every “I’m scared to stay with you,” because she responded with

“You say that but you just don’t know. You’re like a broken record. Always just saying shit like that without anything to back it up. What work have you done to get out of here?” she said. Then she started to cry.

___________ gave her a hug, held her hand, and bought her pink roses the next day. Next fight, she forgot all those nice things.

___________ began stapling the roses he brought her to the walls of her bedroom to remind her. A thousand flowers, all lined up, so then she went to bed, she would stare at them first. But somehow, it didn't work. Kindra would stare all right, but not think. Whatever synapses had to fire to make her remember just didn't. She was so involved with the beauty of the roses, and what if her friends could see the roses, and how did the roses crumple that way as they dehydrated, that she never even realized what it meant.

And then she got pregnant with Andy.

6

Kindra sat, with one empty seat on her left, in Sawmill Theater.  She had been planning on coming with a date since it was one of her only nights without Andy, but she felt like she had a bummer day so she told the man she was going to see that she got sick. When she started getting ready to go to the play, she realized that that was probably a bad decision on her part – because she didn’t want to miss the play so she had to go by herself, which was even more frustrating than going with a date would have been.

                    The actors and actresses on stage held hands and bowed as the curtains came on. Somewhat of a childish gesture, she thought. The play was sort of immature anyways. Underdeveloped. As the lights came on, she was one of the first ones out of her seat. She was ready to just be home, out of the crowds.

                    On her way out, Kindra passed through the grassy area behind Sawmill Theater. It was a much quicker route than following H. Street would be, and it allowed her more alone time. The air was somewhat cool, but not cold. Good, springtime air. It was that sort of air that makes a person get out of whatever mood they were in before. She thought of how that air would feel drifting through her apartment that night – it would be so nice that Andy couldn’t complain about her having the window open. It immediately soothed her.

                    Behind her, Kindra heard some grunts and shouts. All it did was make her angry  – she was actually enjoying her night, but drunken assholes were taking her thoughts away from her.  Out of spite, she decided to not turn around. If they came up behind me, she thought, I wouldn’t want them to think they could talk to me.  She heard footsteps approaching and prepared herself. Instead of stopping or calling out, however, the person just ran hard into her shoulder and ran. Kindra stopped, it only just occurring to her to turn around in case something was wrong. 

5

________ was supposed to take Andy for the holidays. It was fantastic for Kindra in some ways, because that meant she didn’t have to handle one of the hardest times of the year. She was frustrated though, because that meant she lost quality bonding time with Andy. Without that time, they were probably still going to be on the rocks.

When Andy was younger, before he could talk, they were very close. That was when ___________ and Kindra were still together. Remarkably, though Kindra had plenty of friends then, Andy seemed to understand her troubles with ___________ more than anyone else. If she was upset or frustrated, Andy knew. He would tottle over, pull himself into her lap, and rest his head on her. That kind of affection fixed everything.

When Kindra and _________ broke up, Andy started talking. That was when he changed. Kindra didn’t even notice he changed because she wasn’t upset as much after the break up, so there weren’t any missed instances of affection on his part. Until Kindra got a new boyfriend.

Kindra’s new boyfriend was the opposite of  ________, because everybody who escapes an awful relationship wants to find something wildly different.  He was not successful, meaning he had no reason to act anything but genuine. No front. He happened to not be a fantastic person, either, but at least he didn’t hide it.

He insisted that Kindra was mopey and self-centered, and as somebody who was mopey and self-centered, Kindra enjoyed this accusation. It meant she had something to whine about. When they fought, she somewhat enjoyed it too. And when she cried afterwards and he stood outside the bathroom saying he was sorry, she was so so excited. There was a time when they were fighting and she slapped him, which set her back. That meant she was the bad guy. It erased all her victim points. She had to find ways to make him seem bad.

Kindra really enjoyed this relationship.

But when he shoved her and she fell down the stairs, Kindra snapped out of her state. He ran away at that point, sick of her shit. She couldn't chase after him. She injured her shoulder enough to make it hard to get up. Andy stood at the top, hardly even the height of two stairs, and said "you're going to stay there."